Monday, July 20, 2009

Patience, Grasshopper

I took Provera over a week and a half ago for five days and... nothing. Well, nothing except some really visciously bad PMDD-like symptoms. And now I wait.

At the end of this week, in all likelihood, I'll call Ye Olde Fertility Clinic back and ask WTF is going on and they'll tell me to come in for bloodwork (you know, to make sure I'm not pregnant - don't worry, I've already POAS'd to make sure, and well, I'm not... duh). And after the bloodwork I imagine they'll give me more Provera. Which theoretically will induce a period, at which point I can start BCPs.

And if it doesn't induce a period... well... I don't know what then.

And I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of the schedule changing. I'm tired of recalculating when stims might start and, consequently, when my hypothetical retrieval and transfer could be. I'm tired of thinking things like, "Well, as long as we start by X day, it shouldn't interfere with Rosh Hashana." For heaven's sake we had an extra month's lead time to avoid the High Holidays! This was not supposed to be a problem this time. You know, just like Passover wasn't supposed to be a problem. Or Shavuos. Or, you know, Shabbos last cycle.

I get it. I get that I'm not in control. I don't need to be reminded of it at every turn.

As I wrote to a friend this morning I'm having a hard time looking forward with a lot of optimism...

"Even SuperDoc doesn't seem particularly optimistic about this upcoming IVF cycle. It's pretty disheartening when the doctor is the one that isn't super optimistic.

He said if I'd asked him in January what he thought my odds would be going into my fourth initiated cycle (which is essentially where I am right now by HIS count... my count is a little different, but I know where he gets his number)... he said he would have given me about 80% odds of a successful pregnancy back then. But now that he's seen the outcome - two failed cycles, and one canceled due to low response (he's not counting the one that didn't get to stims)... he doesn't have that kind of optimism. He said he'd maybe give me about 30% odds on this cycle.

He said, "I definitely think we'll learn a lot from this cycle, and it's going to be key to your ultimate success."

I paused, took a deep breath, and thought about the implications of that statement.

And he said, "I mean, of course hopefully you'll just be pregnant at the end of this cycle..."

Right.

I'm not trying to be a negative nelly about it - I just... with the IUI cycles even though I technically had more at stake (having never had a successful pregnancy before), none of my negative cycles hit me the way these do. These cycles? No matter how much I prepare myself for the failures, no matter how much SuperDoc himself prepares me for them to fail? They're devastating. Even though I have four beautiful children at home. Maybe because of it."

I admit, I much prefer his honesty to meaningless platitudes. I don't want to hear him just blindly say, "I know this is the one" without scientific basis for saying so. But I admit I'm growing weary. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the patient that keeps going despite a doctor who secretly thinks there's really no point. I don't think I'm there yet. But ... will I be there soon?

7 comments:

Simple said...

Hi - I've been following your blog for about a week & absolutely love your sense of humor. I feel horrible for your low response, but selfishly find comfort that knowing someone else is experiencing what I am - so I don't feel so alone. I just had my cycle cancelled due to low response & am staring provera on the 24th. Good, positive thoughts for us both! :)

N said...

I wish there could be SOME way to know that SOMETHING would be successful eventually. "yes, you will get pregnant again" and then we could just charge ahead, time after time, knowing it will work eventually, or "no, you're SOL" in which case we can go and drink ourselves into oblivion.

I'm sorry that, not only do you have the pessimism and uncertainty, but that your body isn't cooperating, either.

Ginger said...

The timing of your comments hit home today. Tomorrow I'm going in for IUI # 2 (with the good doc; actual count is 8 when we consider the work we did with bad doc). I'm trying to be optimistic but having a hard time. But even worse...my fear that if this is negative and we move on to IVF and it fails. I've always had the "well, there is always IVF" rolling in the back of my head. IVF for us causes some challenges (mainly financial) but is doable. But if that fails...well...I don't know...

Anonymous said...

Tell him how you are feeling. He understands you and appreciates your approach as an informed patient. He also really wants to help you. He'd understand the concern about the fall holidays and how that might call for more than just the wait-and-see right now and might do something more active to get things rolling with the period -> BCP etc. And he would see that you need firmer plans, like what happens if this cycle (ptu ptu ptu) fails, and reassurance that he will be giving this cycle all he has (without platitudes), and does he still think there is a point, as you put it.
Remember he said he feels awful about having failed you so far? You didn't accuse him of that; he felt that on his own. It's okay for him to feel that and for you to say thank you in response to his expressing that. He wants to be successful with you. And you didn't demand that he be there if a procedure needs to take place on Shabbat; he processed your complaint about what happened last time and wants to take care of it, so it is okay for him to offer that and for you to agree, you know? Don't worry that he is going to think you are a difficult patient because you accept what he says and offers. He obviously respects and values you.
Definitely see about having a check-in with him. It really seems like he'd be welcoming about it and that it could help you.
I'm so sorry for the uncertainty and recalculating and all that is causing you to be tired. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

battynurse said...

I'm so sorry that things aren't working like they should and all the delays and uncertainty is happening. I know that at least with my 1st IVF the negative was way more devastating than with any IUI. I think partially because of the amount of money and partially because I had told myself it would of course work.
Sending many good thoughts and wishes your way for a good cycle this time. Hugs to you.

Beth said...

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I know it's quite the challenge to stay positive. One thing that I remember seeing when I was going through IVF was an address label that said "Miracles happen every day". For some reason, that little line gave me hope. I even put it up on my fridge!
Know that I think of you all the time and can't wait to get together again!
Oh, by the way... saw that you sent me a FB IM -- I was already asleep (early night for me) and didn't see it until the AM. I would've loved to have had a "chat" with you!
Let me know about July dates... we are free this weekend after all (aren't going to Chicago) as well as the next. =)

chicklet said...

I know this one's from a few days ago but I still relate to it. The honesty from your doctor is so hard - it's what you need to hear, just not what you want to hear. It sucks on the other hand when they're all "rah rah" and then things go to shit, but hearing his hesitation definitely makes it harder cuz you know this is all gonna be harder.

None of this I'm writing is helpful, but just saying I get it. I get wanting the seemingly endless cycles and interference with life to stop.