Hello? Back to Me!

Yeah, so enough about politics and ZIFT and whathaveyou. Really, this blog is allaboutme! Duh. Though, really, you wouldn't know it, because there's seriously nothing going on here in PerkyLand. Still taking the BCPs. Still getting honkin' huge headaches. Shocking, I know.

I almost cancelled this cycle. Er, postponed I suppose would be a better word. Anyway, I had an absolutely ridiculous week that involved one child in the hospital, one car getting rear ended (with me and another child in it) and another car breaking down (with my husband stranded). Seriously, you can't make this crap up. It was a bad week. It didn't seem particularly prudent to be looking down the barrel of that gun they call Lupron Week.

But hey! Lupron week isn't until next week! And I just know that if I put this off, I'll be kicking myself later. There's nothing I abhor more than a break. Nature abhors a vacuum; Ms. Perky abhors a Treatment Break. God Love Tertia and I loved every single word of her book, but the one piece of advice I didn't find myself nodding along with in her final words was to take breaks between cycles. Not me. No way. No how. Nuh uh. Nosirree. Maybe I'll be eating my words later and tweeting her with my tail between my legs, but I doubt it. I just think we're all different. Me? I need to push forward. I'll be miserable if I don't.

I just thank HEAVEN that I was not taking Lupron this week. Because if I had been? All hell would have broken loose.

Meanwhile, I have horrifyingly bad cramps. I can't help but notice that ever since I started the pill I've had pretty sharp pains in my right ovary. I have a tiny (growing) voice in my head that keeps wondering if maybe it's a tiny (growing) cyst. Can you feel cysts? I hope not. Is this all in my imagination? Golly I hope so. But I do definitely have cramps. My period is imminent. As soon as I stop these BCPs, I'll be getting it, no question. I start Lupron (whee!!!) on Wednesday. Can you imagine if I'd already been on the Lupron during Hell Week? Dear Heavens!

Given all the stress this week it seems a reasonable time to address Lori's question (and barren's followup comment):
Have you ever considered adding some stress reduction techniques to your next cycle? I know how stressed you were last time. My clinic believes so strongly about it they have their own stress reduction program.

It is rarely the cycle itself that stresses me out, just so you understand, but rather that my life is so frickin' nonstop (I know, I know, like having another kid is going to make that any easier?). The truth is that until this past December I was actually a pretty relaxed, calm(ish) person, and then my life kind of went to hell with the successive disasters of several of my friends. One friend had her house burn down with her triplets inside (the triplets, thank heavens, are fine now, but were in the ICU for several weeks). Another friend lost her infant daughter to SIDS a couple weeks later. Another friend's father was diagnosed with incurable cancer (he died this week). Auditors showed up at my workplace. Then my kids got the plague. Then a set of quintuplets were born nearby and I started helping them because I'm insane. More auditors. Then I got sick. Then the IVF cycle started. Still more auditors (this is normal in my field of work - not a sign of anything bad happening, but does mean an increased workload). Then the IVF cycle failed. Then my daughter went into the hospital (she's out now, and fine), I got rear ended, my husband's car broke down, you know, things just haven't stopped for us, really. Actually, now things are pretty calm. We'll see if they stay that way. Here's hoping.

Now would seem like the perfect time to take a break, now that I think about it, wouldn't it?

Except that it's NEVER a good time to plan a pregnancy. It's never the perfect time. And if I wait until my life calms down? Well, forget about it.

So what about stress reduction in the meantime? Well, funny you should mention it. My birthday present from my mother in law was a 60 minute massage. I loathe massages, actually, but I'm going to give it a go, at a strategically placed point in my cycle (I haven't figured out when that is - suggestions welcome). As for other stress-reduction thingies... I actually do a lot of directed imagery, breathing exercises, and biofeedback techniques throughout my day, paritcularly when I'm in the middle of a cycle. I went through years of biofeedback training as an adolescent because of my migraines and it worked wonders (less so now, but still does an amazing job if I catch a migraine early enough and can take the time to really focus in on the techniques).

My clinic also does feel very strongly about state of mind/state of being affecting cycles, so they have recently established an afflilation with a center for alternative therapy - accupuncture, yoga, various nutritional voodoo, etc. They are a wonderful center that does a lot of wonderful work. So don't think I'm knocking the suggestion.

I won't ever do accupuncture because it makes me feel terrible. I tried accupuncture a few times for migraines and it made me feel like I was going to throw up every time. I did give it a fair go, but I felt awful and it left me with this horrible ICK feeling all over when it was done for HOURS. And Yoga. Don't get me started on Yoga. Yoga does not relax me. Yoga makes me feel fat and awkward and dumb and I spend the entire time wishing I were somewhere else. But breathing exercises? Focusing inward? Personally working toward an inner zen? I'm all for it. Finding a therapist? Might even be all for that. Listening to music before and after my IVFs? Frankly doesn't make a difference to me whatsoever and wouldn't ever make me feel like I was doing anything proactive at all. Stabbing myself in the stomach (or bum, as the case may be) feels far more proactive, personally. But to each his own. I think everyone has those things that work for themselves. Me? I could use some good book recommendations for the waiting room. Got any?

Finally, do remember that part of what happens in the blogosphere is that you hear/read what gets transmitted in writing. I don't spend my whole day focused on the minutiae of my cycle, but when I sit down to write a post about it, that IS, of course, what I'm focused on. Truthfully, I was pretty zen about the whole thing right up until transfer day when SuperDoc said he was going to transfer 8. (he was joking) That sort of broke my zen.

But it's all good.

Hey, what's the worst thing that happens, right? The worst thing that happens is this cycle doesn't work and I've blown some more money, some more time, some emotional collateral, and some more energy baking cookies for SuperDoc, SuperNurse, and J, Marketing Supervisor Extraordinaire.

That's not so bad, right? After all. That would still leave me with one covered cycle on my insurance before having to switch back to The Hatchery.