Sunday, April 12, 2009

"Are They Natural?" Redux (er, children mentioned in this post)

Ever since I got pregnant with my babies, I have endured an endless parade of questions dancing around the "Are they natural?" question. Most people simply come right out and ask it. Some people say, "Do multiples run in your family?" Some people say, "Did you know you were having triplets?" Others say, "Did you do fertility?" or "Did you take those pills?"

Personally, I find all of these questions offensive (with the possible exception of whether multiples run in my family, which I mostly brush off). I believe that asking me any question about how my children were conceived is flat-out rude and is akin to asking me about my sex-life. How would someone feel if my response to "are they natural?" was, "Did you have sex to have your singleton?" I'm quite certain most people would be quite taken aback, as well they should be. It's not a polite question to ask, is it?

So there's a prominent family in our community, and their daughter just had triplets a month ago. I was called upon to help them in a variety of ways. Their daughter came down to stay with them for the holiday (and probably will stay for several weeks afterward). We had lunch with them last week and it was lovely and I got to hold and feed the triplets and, well, I was in heaven. I do so love babies. It helped remind me of why I'm going through all this crap. I mean, not to have THREE at once. But that snuggly little baby. Oh yes.

Anyway, I mentioned to another friend that I'd had lunch there and she said, "Oh! Did you get to see the triplets?" Of course I did. "So, um, do you know if... well, you know, we're all speculating... though I guess we really shouldn't be, but you'd know better than any of us, whether they were - "

I cut her off right there.

"I wouldn't answer that question, even if I did know the answer to that question. It's not anyone's business."

I should mention that the friend I was speaking with is pregnant right now, with twins. This is her fourth pregnancy, a spontaneous, surprise pregnancy, with her fourth and fifth children.

I explained that the question is completely inappropriate and, in my opinion, is akin to asking about someone's sex life because it's asking about the conception of one's children. "No it's not! It's completely different! There's nothing wrong with that question!" She insisted. Furthermore, she said, "People ask me all the time if I did fertility treatment to have my twins and it doesn't bother me a bit!"

"That's because you didn't do fertility treatment."
"That's not true!"
"You did do fertility treatment?"
"No, I didn't. But if I did, I wouldn't mind people asking me."

Yeah.

I wrote about her earlier, actually. When I'd first found out she was pregnant. I couldn't find the post to link to it. But she's one of the sweetest, most generous, most supportive people I know. But she's also one of the most clueless people I know when it comes to this stuff. She never could understand why I was petrified throughout my HOM pregnancy despite the fact that she was there through the times I was in and out of the hospital for preterm labor and through all the monitoring and bed rest and scary stuff that happened to me. But when I got to the end and had healthy babies her answer was, "See? You had healthy babies just like I said you would, I told you you shouldn't be so worried."

Right.

Here's the thing. If you acknowledge that you're speculating about something behind somebody's back. And you acknowledge that you probably shouldn't be. And if you're not willing to walk straight up to that person and simply ask them the question outright, then surely you must recognize and acknowledge that there is something indecent and inappropriate about the question in the first place, don't you??

The family isn't sharing the details, and it's none of anyone's business. I know that I'm a bit of an enigma because I don't exactly hide the fact that we did fertility treatment to get our three. But you know? There wasn't really any hiding it anyway. We went through five years and a foster son before having HOMs - I'm pretty sure everyone figured it out!!! They're not as dumb as I'd like to think they are. So I don't hide it. But neither do I bring it up as casual dinner conversation, either, unless I'm with fellow infertiles or people who "get it." It's not something I expect people to bring up by asking if my children are natural.

All babies are natural. There's no such thing as a baby made out of space-age polymer.

15 comments:

Bea said...

"you acknowledge that you're speculating about something behind somebody's back. And you acknowledge that you probably shouldn't be. And if you're not willing to walk straight up to that person and simply ask them the question outright, then surely you must recognize and acknowledge that there is something indecent and inappropriate about the question in the first place, don't you??"

That's what I was going to say!

I guess it could be argued that although the question should be ok "some" people get upset about it I-don't-see-why so I'm not going to... but then if some people get upset, surely that makes it rude even if you don't see why?

Bea

GibsonTwins said...

My whole family is like your friend. They ALL don't get it one bit. AND they take every opportunity to criticize our decision to want another one. They make ridiculous comments to my face about how we "better not take them fertility drugs again" so as to avoid twins (again). In my case it is probably a generation gap causing the cluelessness. So while we did disclose many months after the twins were born that they were possibly Clomid babies (one round so who can really know?) and everything from here on out is undisclosed and will stay that way.
A baby is a baby, you got that right :)

lilkatie52 said...

No matter how a baby is concieved, you are right it is no ones business! The love you have for your babies is strong, and NATURAL! They are all little blessings, and that is all that matters!

Hayley said...

A baby is a baby. Frankly, it doesn't matter how they were conceived.

Having said that, I probably would be guilty of asking if multiples run in the family, but that is because they DO run in my family - my sisters are twins and my grandfather had a twin (although his twin was stllborn, I believe). That said, I am quite happy to take a simple 'no' in answer, and would never dream of asking anything any more intrusive.

Babies are miracles. How they come to be is really rather irrelevant to everyone except the parties involved.

Ariel said...

I'm glad to say that I've NEVER asked anyone (especially a stranger!)because OMG yes, I don't want to know! TMI! OVER SHARE!
I just always say how CUTE they are :)

Sam said...

A tech at the eye doctor's office asked me if I did IVF for my most recent pregnancy because I mentioned that I had gotten a physical in the last year. I thought it was a little rude and inappropriate so I was in return. I said, "No, we did it the penis in vagina way."

Lori said...

I generally will answer that we had a little help if asked. No details unless it is someone with fertility problems. It isn't anyone's business.

If someone asks if multiples run in our family I tell them my husband is a twin. That is true. He is an identical twin. We did IVF. The two have nothing to do with each other but nosy people in public don't need to know that. Plus, we used donor sperm so the kids don't even share his DNA. NO ONE needs to know that!

Imagica said...

you are soo rite on spot! people always say ivf is test tube babies.. and i would always replied by saying..there is nothing test tubes about them! the babies are just assisted as daddy sperm is a little lazy to swim towards the golden egg. those who did not go through infertility (bless them for being au natural) will never have the frustration of people who are going through fertility treatment months after months to just get the elusive baby / babies!

Jody said...

I especially love the dismissal of experience, you know? "Oh, I've never gone through that experience, but I'm sure if I did, it wouldn't change me -- my values, my outlook, my attitude -- at all."

It's clueless at such a deep level, you know? But at least it's not malicious.

[As an aside, I wish there were more babies in my life. There are a ton of young families at our church but very few of them have older siblings so our paths just do not cross the way I'd like them to. It's a milestone when you realize that all your face-to-face friends are people with school-age kids.]

ms. c said...

1- I'm sorry that you ever have to deal with stupid questions that have to do woth the triplets' conception. It is just so rude.

2- Clueless people bug the beejesis out of me.

3- For crying OUT LOUD! All babies are natural!

4- People who say they wouldn't be bothered in the situation that you are in even though they have never been in that situation bug me even more. (ie: a friend who is pregnant now who got pregnant on her first month of sort-of trying who said to me: "I never would be able to do fertility treatments, having a biological child just wouldn't be worth it." How does she know that unless she has tried and realized that it might not be possible??!)

5- Space-age palymer babies... now you're onto something! ;)

Jen said...

even with twins, i get asked ALL the time and it drives me NUTS!!!

battynurse said...

I'm pretty open about the whole IF thing too but I'm also annoyed by the are they natural question that mothers of multiples get. I think if it were me my instinct would be to get sort of catty but I had a friend once give me the best comeback for questions like that. I promise not to be offended by your question if you promise not to be offended if I don't answer.

Kitty said...

My favorite line in this post is "They're not as dumb as I'd like to think they are". I am guilty of those thoughts.

nishkanu said...

I think I would be inclined to ask in return "Why exactly do you want to know?" And if the answer is "because I am doing infertility treatments" I'd tell them all about it. And if the answer is sputtering or "because I am curious" I would just say "I see."

Jendeis said...

Why is my husband looking for jobs in the computer industry? We need him making babies out of space-age polymer!

Wonder if he'd feel more confident about being a dad with the polymer stuff? You think he'd feel like he'd be less prone to breaking the baby? Hmm...