Sunday, April 12, 2009

Weirdness

I'm going to say something that's going to sound absolutely contrary to common sense. I do realize that I'm taking Lupron every day and that likely has something to do with my lack of sense right now and I probably shouldn't be held responsible for my actions. Hell, being on Lupron should be reason enough to keep me away from a keyboard at all times, lest I do something stupid, like type something as nonesensical as I'm about to type. But, alas, if I kept myself away from the keyboard every time I was on Lupron, how would I fill the (virtual) pages of my blog? How would I keep my faithful readers on the edges of your seats?

No, I simply cannot stay away from the keyboard every time I'm shooting myself up with that G-dforsaken drug. That wouldn't be fun for anyone, would it?

ANYWAY. On to my complete lack of logic.

I am petrified to get pregnant.

No, really! I am. I've had such a phenomenally crappy year that... I just... There's this huge piece of me that just feels like it just couldn't turn out well right now if I did get pregnant. But then again? Part of the crappiness this year has been the NOT getting pregnant and the canceled cycle, etc. So I dunno.

It's really stupid, I know. But there's also the fact that my two pregnancy experiences weren't... great. The first one I bled for the entire first trimester and then miscarried a day into the second trimester. The second one was an HOM pregnancy in which I went into preterm labor at 17 weeks and spent most of the pregnancy petrified of losing all of the babies. I know that we're doing everything right this time to avoid exactly that scenario, but there is good reason to believe I won't necessarily have the easiest of pregnancies. You know, if I actually got pregnant in the first place, and if it lasted long enough to get to be crappy.

Sigh. I know that I'll be ecstatic if I get pregnant and devastated if I don't, so this is probably an exercise in frustration and futility. I don't know why I'm even whining about it.

4 comments:

Carol said...

It's scary stuff - and natural to have mixed feelings. That's what we have these blogs for - so you can get out your crazy thoughts to all your blogging friends, and not have to actually say them out loud in real life.

hang in there, it will get better.

Bea said...

Lupron. Sheesh, talk about answering your own question before you asked it. One step at a time?

Bea

battynurse said...

Hang in there. It has to be scary when you've already had a difficult pregnancy or two. I hope that the cycles work and you are blessed with a calm normal completely uneventful pregnancy.

Beth said...

I understand all too well. Which is why I keep putting off my FET/IVF cycle.

Thinking of you.